He should be with me right now. Instead we are just both going to be very embarrassed about this in the morning. And for no reason. Nothing’s happened.
Well, not nothing exactly.
He kissed me.
Josh kissed me!!!!!
J o s h
K i s s e d
M e !
I feel like I’m fourteen again. I’m exploding with happiness. I’m wanting to doodle flowers and hearts and his name and my married name. (Well, let’s face it, some of that I have actually already done, been doing for years... thank goodness for diaries no one sees!!)
Well part of me is. The other, adult part of me is sad and frustrated and confused and hurting and embarrassed... oh damn it. We were so close.
Did he even want that key? Could he not have fought a bit harder for it? What does it all mean? Was it just the euphoria of the moment?
What does it mean?????
My head is actually going to explode. It’s certainly spinning a lot after all that wine I had to help me on my way. To help us on our way. I guess there’s a chance he could knock. There’s a chance. I should stay awake just in case.
Like there’s any chance of sleeping anyway.
What a day!!
Well done me, though. I thought that was a spectacularly good line in the moment. “Don’t worry about it. It was bound to happen sometime.” The very epitome of low-maintenance. Chilled out Donna-like ness which is why he loves me. (If he loves me. Who knows?) But man, inside, I was not chilled out. Inside I was screaming “CAN’T YOU SEE WE ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER AND THAT’S WHY IT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN SOMETIME?!” Inside I was screaming at him to explain what the heck he means. Inside I was, I’m ashamed to say it, punching him: how dare he minimise our moment? I’ve waited nine years for this!
I will never be able to hear the words “South Carolina” again without shivers down my spine. I’m not entirely sure I will ever be able to face him again without shivers down my spine either. Not that I have in quite a while, it has to be said.
What now?
Seriously, what now?
If I was writing this story, he would come and find me, knock on my door and we could, well, start this thing. Stop faffing around. Stop having odd moments we are supposed to ignore. Stop bandying about sentences like “It was bound to happen sometime” and “it’s not what it looks like” and “I’m here for as long as I need to be” and even “you look amazing”. (Of course I want him to think I look amazing. But what good are THOUGHTS, really?)
We could BE TOGETHER.
Come on, Josh. One small step for man... Come and find me. I’m waiting for you. I love you. I want to be yours. Body and soul.
But this isn’t a story, I don’t get to write it. (I may have built in a slightly shorter waiting period if I had.) And I don’t know what happens next. Another nine years’ limbo? Please God, no.
You’re making me blue
All that you do
Seems unfair
You try not to hear
Turn a deaf ear
To my prayer
It seems you don’t want to see
What you are doing to me
My arms are waiting to caress you
And to my heart they long to press you, sweet heart
My heart is sad and lonely
For you I cry (yes, that's how painful it is sometimes!)
For you, dear, only
I tell you I mean it
I’m all for you
Body and soul
I spend my days in longing
And wondering
it’s me you’re wronging
Why haven’t you seen it????????????????????
I’m all for you
Body and soul
I can't believe it
It's hard to conceive it
That you’d turn away romance
Are you pretending??
Don’t say its the ending
I wish I could have one more chance to prove, dear
My life a hell you’re making
You know I’m yours for just the taking
I’d gladly surrender
Myself to you
Body and soul
Life’s dreary for me
Days seem to be long as years (and it's been a lot of days!!)
I’ve looked for the sun
But can see none
Through my tears
Your heart must be like a stone
To leave me like this alone
When you could make my life worth living
By taking what I’m set on giving, sweet heart
My heart is sad and lonely
For you I cry
For you, dear, only
I tell you I mean it
I’m all for you
Body and soul
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