After the "interview"

I didn’t cry. That’s my victory. My moment for the finest bagels and muffins in all the land. Ha.

I didn’t cry.

How did I not cry?

He’s just Josh. Amped up to a particular peak of Joshness. And not a particularly pleasant one.

How did I not cry?

I’m crying now though, right here in this Starbucks thinking about how he would have had cream and three sugars. Cue the song from Grease, “hopelessly devoted to you”... And the hardest thing is, I’m so alone in this. The roommate whose cat he used to shout at has long since passed the point of caring. And my colleagues – we share so much, we’re so close, I’m sure CJ is not the only one to have guessed my feelings – but there is no way I can talk to any of them about this.

Come on Donnatella, pull yourself together, girl. You have five majors and two minors. (Sort of.) You are a highly capable woman. You do not need to let one little incident with one arrogant, nasty ex-boss destroy your confidence.

You are also talking to yourself in the second person. Get a grip, girl.

How can I let him do this to me? How is it that I am reduced to this weeping wreck? I don’t think I even wore waterproof mascara today. First big mistake of the day.
But it was him I was thinking of when I put the mascara on. It’s all for him. Everything. Cue more slushy music. “Body and Soul” particularly appropriate for example.

Oh how pathetic I sound when I re-read what I’ve just written. Am I going to allow a mere man to have such a hold on me?
....
He’s no mere man though, is he? I mean, let’s face it. I love him so much it physically hurts.

And did he mean he missed me? Or did he mean I was stupid for even thinking he might be missing me? And if he meant he missed me he could have said it more nicely...couldn’t he? If what he said was really true, if he just couldn’t hire me rather than simply not wanting to, could he not have taken a softer tone, looked at me like he sometimes has, with that tenderness in his eyes?

He’s hurting. Of course he is. He’s hurting that I left him without warning and didn’t immediately leave the Baker campaign to follow him around the country. Didn’t he think I wanted to do that? I mean, really? Is he blind? Fighting a campaign with Josh, again? It was so much fun the first time round. I loved every moment even the moments when he shouted at me. Gosh, it was when I fell in love with him. Right there after the speech in New Hampshire when he turned to me and hugged me because he knew... he just knew... Bartlet was the man, he was going to do it. I was so proud to be a part of that moment. To be a part of what we were going to do... together.

But CJ made me think. There’s more to life than Josh Lyman. As previously stated, I am a highly capable woman (and with distinctive penmanship). I wanted to do something with my career.

Gotta ask myself why though. And much as it pains me to admit it, a large part of it was about proving CJ wrong. Of course I can leave Josh whenever. I am not dependent on him for my emotional being.

Which explains why I am sitting in Starbucks with non-waterproof mascara running down my face.

Which of us is being the most stupid and the most pig-headed here?

You gotta get Josh, that’s what I said to Amy back in those days that I don’t much care to think about. You gotta get him. He spends half his life worrying about who is going to lose next. And he lost me. I left him. No wonder he handled it badly.

Oh Donnatella, how could you have been so stupid? Out of sheer pig-headedness?

God, if you’re out there. I pray for another chance. I will not blow it this time. This man... is everything to me. I can’t bear this.
...................
Right, that’s enough waxing lyrical and drowning myself in hot chocolate. I’m going home to bury myself in some Friends re-runs with a tub of Ben and Jerry’s and a large glass of wine (or two...). Highly capable woman or not, that’s all I can manage tonight.

Let’s hope we all get to laugh about this one day...