So, am I? (and a million other questions)

It's 5am and Josh sent me home to get some sleep. Sleep! At a time like this. Obviously,I'm desperately worried about Zoey – we all are – so many unanswered questions - and I’m worried too that Josh will be somehow feeling guilty about this too.

But, mostly, I’m tossing and turning and replaying that conversation with Amy and wondering what do I do now? I mean, if it’s that glaringly obvious...

From the moment the words were out of my mouth – you gotta get Josh­ – and she looked at me like that, I knew. I could feel, hear almost, my heart beating faster and louder. I knew that I’d just gone down the path of no return. That any idiot would take about five seconds to reach the conclusion that Amy, being no idiot, whatever else she may be, reached in about one.

That I get him. That I’m tuned to him. That we know each other so intimately that it’s hard to believe we are just boss and assistant, sometimes even hard to believe that our relationship has never gone beyond friendship, and quite possibly never will.

I wish she wouldn’t bring him up like that. And then ask me for advice. What does she want from me? Is it just that she wanted to confirm what she knew all along and just led me there a strange and convoluted way? But why would she do that? For the same jealous, protective reasons that I sometimes do things? Who knows.

Maybe in a weird way she blames me for them not working out, and maybe that helps her. You know what? I secretly hope she does blame me. No, that’s not really what I mean. What I mean is that I hope (vainly, I realise) that I am the reason. And I hate that I hope that. It’s so juvenile, so, well, ugly. (But if I can’t be honest in my diary...)

I was just starting to like her and get on with her and manage to put all that behind me. It was kinda fun working together and getting a bit tipsy together. I hate those jealous feelings that rise up in me when I think about... I don’t like the person I feel myself becoming in those moments. This fierce protectiveness. It’s so unattractive. But, seemingly, unavoidable.

I hated it when she was with him, and now I can see why. Obviously, there’s the whole jealousy thing. But she still doesn’t know him (like I do, I might add). How can she have been with him all that time and not understand the fear that drives him? And how was it ever going to work with someone who just, well, didn’t get him, didn’t see to the very core of him as a person, as a vulnerable man who needs to be cared for and looked after? Did she never get past the arrogant, I’m-always-right, it’s-all-about-the-politics exterior? How is that possible after all that time with him? Did she just not care enough about him to find out? And how could he possibly bear to be with someone who couldn’t see into the depths of his soul?

He deserves better than that. So much better.

And anyway, am I in love with Josh?

Is it not just a soft spot for a very good friend, as I’ve been intermittently trying to tell myself all these years? It would make things a lot less... complicated. Be a lot more ... convenient. But has the disadvantage of, well, not being especially true.

And what the hell am I meant to do with this information?

Huh?

Someone tell me that... someone... anyone?! Wonder if Amy is still awake. Maybe I should call her. Ha!