It was bound to happen sometime...

Oh, damn it, damn it, damn it. So close. So very very close.

He should be with me right now. Instead we are just both going to be very embarrassed about this in the morning. And for no reason. Nothing’s happened.

Well, not nothing exactly.
He kissed me.
Josh kissed me!!!!!

J o s h
K i s s e d
M e !

I feel like I’m fourteen again. I’m exploding with happiness. I’m wanting to doodle flowers and hearts and his name and my married name. (Well, let’s face it, some of that I have actually already done, been doing for years... thank goodness for diaries no one sees!!)

Well part of me is. The other, adult part of me is sad and frustrated and confused and hurting and embarrassed... oh damn it. We were so close.

Did he even want that key? Could he not have fought a bit harder for it? What does it all mean? Was it just the euphoria of the moment?

What does it mean?????

My head is actually going to explode. It’s certainly spinning a lot after all that wine I had to help me on my way. To help us on our way. I guess there’s a chance he could knock. There’s a chance. I should stay awake just in case.

Like there’s any chance of sleeping anyway.

What a day!!

Well done me, though. I thought that was a spectacularly good line in the moment. “Don’t worry about it. It was bound to happen sometime.” The very epitome of low-maintenance. Chilled out Donna-like ness which is why he loves me. (If he loves me. Who knows?) But man, inside, I was not chilled out. Inside I was screaming “CAN’T YOU SEE WE ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER AND THAT’S WHY IT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN SOMETIME?!” Inside I was screaming at him to explain what the heck he means. Inside I was, I’m ashamed to say it, punching him: how dare he minimise our moment? I’ve waited nine years for this!

I will never be able to hear the words “South Carolina” again without shivers down my spine. I’m not entirely sure I will ever be able to face him again without shivers down my spine either. Not that I have in quite a while, it has to be said.

What now?

Seriously, what now?

If I was writing this story, he would come and find me, knock on my door and we could, well, start this thing. Stop faffing around. Stop having odd moments we are supposed to ignore. Stop bandying about sentences like “It was bound to happen sometime” and “it’s not what it looks like” and “I’m here for as long as I need to be” and even “you look amazing”. (Of course I want him to think I look amazing. But what good are THOUGHTS, really?)

We could BE TOGETHER.

Come on, Josh. One small step for man... Come and find me. I’m waiting for you. I love you. I want to be yours. Body and soul.

But this isn’t a story, I don’t get to write it. (I may have built in a slightly shorter waiting period if I had.) And I don’t know what happens next. Another nine years’ limbo? Please God, no.

Billie Holliday’s Body and Soul – seems like it was written just for us...

You’re making me blue

All that you do

Seems unfair

You try not to hear

Turn a deaf ear

To my prayer

It seems you don’t want to see

What you are doing to me

My arms are waiting to caress you

And to my heart they long to press you, sweet heart

My heart is sad and lonely

For you I cry (yes, that's how painful it is sometimes!)

For you, dear, only

I tell you I mean it

I’m all for you

Body and soul

I spend my days in longing

And wondering

it’s me you’re wronging

Why haven’t you seen it????????????????????

I’m all for you

Body and soul

I can't believe it

It's hard to conceive it

That you’d turn away romance

Are you pretending??

Don’t say its the ending

I wish I could have one more chance to prove, dear

My life a hell you’re making

You know I’m yours for just the taking

I’d gladly surrender

Myself to you

Body and soul

Life’s dreary for me

Days seem to be long as years (and it's been a lot of days!!)

I’ve looked for the sun

But can see none

Through my tears

Your heart must be like a stone

To leave me like this alone

When you could make my life worth living

By taking what I’m set on giving, sweet heart

My heart is sad and lonely

For you I cry

For you, dear, only

I tell you I mean it

I’m all for you

Body and soul

After the "interview"

I didn’t cry. That’s my victory. My moment for the finest bagels and muffins in all the land. Ha.

I didn’t cry.

How did I not cry?

He’s just Josh. Amped up to a particular peak of Joshness. And not a particularly pleasant one.

How did I not cry?

I’m crying now though, right here in this Starbucks thinking about how he would have had cream and three sugars. Cue the song from Grease, “hopelessly devoted to you”... And the hardest thing is, I’m so alone in this. The roommate whose cat he used to shout at has long since passed the point of caring. And my colleagues – we share so much, we’re so close, I’m sure CJ is not the only one to have guessed my feelings – but there is no way I can talk to any of them about this.

Come on Donnatella, pull yourself together, girl. You have five majors and two minors. (Sort of.) You are a highly capable woman. You do not need to let one little incident with one arrogant, nasty ex-boss destroy your confidence.

You are also talking to yourself in the second person. Get a grip, girl.

How can I let him do this to me? How is it that I am reduced to this weeping wreck? I don’t think I even wore waterproof mascara today. First big mistake of the day.
But it was him I was thinking of when I put the mascara on. It’s all for him. Everything. Cue more slushy music. “Body and Soul” particularly appropriate for example.

Oh how pathetic I sound when I re-read what I’ve just written. Am I going to allow a mere man to have such a hold on me?
....
He’s no mere man though, is he? I mean, let’s face it. I love him so much it physically hurts.

And did he mean he missed me? Or did he mean I was stupid for even thinking he might be missing me? And if he meant he missed me he could have said it more nicely...couldn’t he? If what he said was really true, if he just couldn’t hire me rather than simply not wanting to, could he not have taken a softer tone, looked at me like he sometimes has, with that tenderness in his eyes?

He’s hurting. Of course he is. He’s hurting that I left him without warning and didn’t immediately leave the Baker campaign to follow him around the country. Didn’t he think I wanted to do that? I mean, really? Is he blind? Fighting a campaign with Josh, again? It was so much fun the first time round. I loved every moment even the moments when he shouted at me. Gosh, it was when I fell in love with him. Right there after the speech in New Hampshire when he turned to me and hugged me because he knew... he just knew... Bartlet was the man, he was going to do it. I was so proud to be a part of that moment. To be a part of what we were going to do... together.

But CJ made me think. There’s more to life than Josh Lyman. As previously stated, I am a highly capable woman (and with distinctive penmanship). I wanted to do something with my career.

Gotta ask myself why though. And much as it pains me to admit it, a large part of it was about proving CJ wrong. Of course I can leave Josh whenever. I am not dependent on him for my emotional being.

Which explains why I am sitting in Starbucks with non-waterproof mascara running down my face.

Which of us is being the most stupid and the most pig-headed here?

You gotta get Josh, that’s what I said to Amy back in those days that I don’t much care to think about. You gotta get him. He spends half his life worrying about who is going to lose next. And he lost me. I left him. No wonder he handled it badly.

Oh Donnatella, how could you have been so stupid? Out of sheer pig-headedness?

God, if you’re out there. I pray for another chance. I will not blow it this time. This man... is everything to me. I can’t bear this.
...................
Right, that’s enough waxing lyrical and drowning myself in hot chocolate. I’m going home to bury myself in some Friends re-runs with a tub of Ben and Jerry’s and a large glass of wine (or two...). Highly capable woman or not, that’s all I can manage tonight.

Let’s hope we all get to laugh about this one day...

Introduction to my blog!

Well, the baby's kicking, but showing no signs of engaging, so here I am, stuck at home, w a i t i n g, interminably waiting, while Josh goes out and does the fun stuff and comes back to report how my ** hopefully ** temporary replacement is doing. It's killing me, stuck here like this, but I want this baby so much, and sometimes I wonder if that is not killing me more. I want this baby not just for his or her own sake but because, well because, when you love someone this much, when you feel not just your head but also your heart is going to explode from love, to create something, a whole new life, with them. Wow. It's awesome. I never imagined I could feel like this.

Too many commas I know, but I'm just writing from the heart. At least these days I don't need to worry about shorthand. Or spelling. Speaking of which Carol is popping by later, it will be lovely to see her.

Anyway, whilst I am stuck at home, exploding with love and impatience for this baby, exploding with love for my amazing husband, I have been getting things ready and finding bits of my old diaries... All day every day organising stuff at work, I used to come home at night and I had to write, it's like a compulsive thing, but sometimes I couldn't find my diary. I know it sounds crazy from an efficient girl like me. But when you sleep for four hours a night and everything at work has to be perfect, sometimes keeping your flat tidy isn't the priority. And then of course when Josh used to fail to exercise cautious optimism and turn up drunk in the middle of the night to yell at my roommate's cat - well, I used to have to quickly hide it, just in case, not that he ever would... I don't think... And in the early days he probably wouldn't even have guessed there was anything in there that would interest him... But anyway, I'd hide it, then I wouldn't find it, so then I'd write on just about anything I could find. Even napkins and tissues sometimes.

All of which means there are random bits of random diaries scattered amongst my posessions. And I wanted to conserve them for posterity. So I am typing some of them up here. In no particular order. Enjoy.