And it's surely to their credit...

So, what kind of day has it been?

Just another ordinary day at the office, I guess...

Ha! What's an ordinary day? Don't think I've seen one of those in a while.

It has, in fact, been a bit surreal, what with the key rings and the Gilbert and Sullivan and all.

And I gotta say, I'm not crazy about this Ainsley Hayes, even if she does sound like a hoot and I find it very entertaining watching Sam coming over all heroic.

Next thing, people will be saying she looks like me but with longer legs. And I'm not happy about that. Still, at least I have this going for me: cut me and I bleed Democrat blood. Although even I have to admit there do seem to be a fair few attractive Republican men around. Hmmm... Now there's a point worth pondering. Forbidden fruit and all that. If it works for Ainsley Hayes...

Election Day

I snuck out for two minutes to record something of the euphoria of today.

Except, of course, that there are no words that can describe or do justice to this moment.

No words.

None.

We are winning the election, and I am winning Josh.

All that can possibly be added are exclamation marks.

It was bound to happen sometime...

Oh, damn it, damn it, damn it. So close. So very very close.

He should be with me right now. Instead we are just both going to be very embarrassed about this in the morning. And for no reason. Nothing’s happened.

Well, not nothing exactly.
He kissed me.
Josh kissed me!!!!!

J o s h
K i s s e d
M e !

I feel like I’m fourteen again. I’m exploding with happiness. I’m wanting to doodle flowers and hearts and his name and my married name. (Well, let’s face it, some of that I have actually already done, been doing for years... thank goodness for diaries no one sees!!)

Well part of me is. The other, adult part of me is sad and frustrated and confused and hurting and embarrassed... oh damn it. We were so close.

Did he even want that key? Could he not have fought a bit harder for it? What does it all mean? Was it just the euphoria of the moment?

What does it mean?????

My head is actually going to explode. It’s certainly spinning a lot after all that wine I had to help me on my way. To help us on our way. I guess there’s a chance he could knock. There’s a chance. I should stay awake just in case.

Like there’s any chance of sleeping anyway.

What a day!!

Well done me, though. I thought that was a spectacularly good line in the moment. “Don’t worry about it. It was bound to happen sometime.” The very epitome of low-maintenance. Chilled out Donna-like ness which is why he loves me. (If he loves me. Who knows?) But man, inside, I was not chilled out. Inside I was screaming “CAN’T YOU SEE WE ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER AND THAT’S WHY IT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN SOMETIME?!” Inside I was screaming at him to explain what the heck he means. Inside I was, I’m ashamed to say it, punching him: how dare he minimise our moment? I’ve waited nine years for this!

I will never be able to hear the words “South Carolina” again without shivers down my spine. I’m not entirely sure I will ever be able to face him again without shivers down my spine either. Not that I have in quite a while, it has to be said.

What now?

Seriously, what now?

If I was writing this story, he would come and find me, knock on my door and we could, well, start this thing. Stop faffing around. Stop having odd moments we are supposed to ignore. Stop bandying about sentences like “It was bound to happen sometime” and “it’s not what it looks like” and “I’m here for as long as I need to be” and even “you look amazing”. (Of course I want him to think I look amazing. But what good are THOUGHTS, really?)

We could BE TOGETHER.

Come on, Josh. One small step for man... Come and find me. I’m waiting for you. I love you. I want to be yours. Body and soul.

But this isn’t a story, I don’t get to write it. (I may have built in a slightly shorter waiting period if I had.) And I don’t know what happens next. Another nine years’ limbo? Please God, no.

Billie Holliday’s Body and Soul – seems like it was written just for us...

You’re making me blue

All that you do

Seems unfair

You try not to hear

Turn a deaf ear

To my prayer

It seems you don’t want to see

What you are doing to me

My arms are waiting to caress you

And to my heart they long to press you, sweet heart

My heart is sad and lonely

For you I cry (yes, that's how painful it is sometimes!)

For you, dear, only

I tell you I mean it

I’m all for you

Body and soul

I spend my days in longing

And wondering

it’s me you’re wronging

Why haven’t you seen it????????????????????

I’m all for you

Body and soul

I can't believe it

It's hard to conceive it

That you’d turn away romance

Are you pretending??

Don’t say its the ending

I wish I could have one more chance to prove, dear

My life a hell you’re making

You know I’m yours for just the taking

I’d gladly surrender

Myself to you

Body and soul

Life’s dreary for me

Days seem to be long as years (and it's been a lot of days!!)

I’ve looked for the sun

But can see none

Through my tears

Your heart must be like a stone

To leave me like this alone

When you could make my life worth living

By taking what I’m set on giving, sweet heart

My heart is sad and lonely

For you I cry

For you, dear, only

I tell you I mean it

I’m all for you

Body and soul

Introduction to my blog!

Well, the baby's kicking, but showing no signs of engaging, so here I am, stuck at home, w a i t i n g, interminably waiting, while Josh goes out and does the fun stuff and comes back to report how my ** hopefully ** temporary replacement is doing. It's killing me, stuck here like this, but I want this baby so much, and sometimes I wonder if that is not killing me more. I want this baby not just for his or her own sake but because, well because, when you love someone this much, when you feel not just your head but also your heart is going to explode from love, to create something, a whole new life, with them. Wow. It's awesome. I never imagined I could feel like this.

Too many commas I know, but I'm just writing from the heart. At least these days I don't need to worry about shorthand. Or spelling. Speaking of which Carol is popping by later, it will be lovely to see her.

Anyway, whilst I am stuck at home, exploding with love and impatience for this baby, exploding with love for my amazing husband, I have been getting things ready and finding bits of my old diaries... All day every day organising stuff at work, I used to come home at night and I had to write, it's like a compulsive thing, but sometimes I couldn't find my diary. I know it sounds crazy from an efficient girl like me. But when you sleep for four hours a night and everything at work has to be perfect, sometimes keeping your flat tidy isn't the priority. And then of course when Josh used to fail to exercise cautious optimism and turn up drunk in the middle of the night to yell at my roommate's cat - well, I used to have to quickly hide it, just in case, not that he ever would... I don't think... And in the early days he probably wouldn't even have guessed there was anything in there that would interest him... But anyway, I'd hide it, then I wouldn't find it, so then I'd write on just about anything I could find. Even napkins and tissues sometimes.

All of which means there are random bits of random diaries scattered amongst my posessions. And I wanted to conserve them for posterity. So I am typing some of them up here. In no particular order. Enjoy.